Our Healing Hands

The Changing

Here is one of my writings, penned around the time of my grandmother's passing. While it is validation for the feelings I had at the time, and validation for some of the feelings I still experience, I am including it here, in hopes that the words find a home in someone else's heart--to help with the continuing storms of life we all face. There is no weakness in the expressing of emotion, as the status quo would like for you to continue to believe. There is a beautiful depth of strength that comes with the ability to feel every facet of whatever emotion you are feeling--and even more beauty in growing right through it all. I hope you find enjoyment in these words, as I have found more solace and innate power by bringing them forward.

The Changing.

I'm changing. And it is neither here or there, fast or slow, ever present or removed. Many things swirl about me and lead me into both amazement and apprehension, but I choose to remain. And I put my armor on as I have been taught, but today I do it with the full presence of purpose and correctly complete the task. An armor forged in fire, yes, but not fashioned with dread. I stand as mortal and immortal refusing to die on my knees. And a better fight I will wage, until I can stand in the light of what blessings have been promised to all. It is here that I feel the unmistakable hold, of growth, encouraging me to be pliable. For it is the fluidity of certain trees that prevents their breaking, and guides them into their own individual strength. Standing, possibly stumbling they might, yet continuing without fail to hold position.

However, it is when some trees are felled, that we are most affected. We came from their seed, and stood in the shadow of their seasons. And depending on when we first took notice, saw their explosive splendor, their willingness to bend, their refusal to budge, and new rings worn like badges of honor--declaring their wisdom to us. We took comfort in their shade, growing with certainty, and learning to cooperate. But when marked they were, we tried to stand tall while dying inside, knowing that we would one day have to remember to grow on our own. And in this time, a new story is written about the fallen ones, mothers become grandmothers, and in line the saplings follow suit. Keeping a foothold while their souls are eroding, they claim a victory by living, not knowing that they have. In the absence of sanity, some sanity still remains.

I am changing, but I am choosing to stand and stay firmly rooted. I ask the Great Spirit to hold me up when I get weary, for as we cannot see the air, we still know it exists to keep us among the living. It is now that I know myself to be a dichotomy, and am okay with that. I'm not okay but know I will be. Grief takes its stick and buckles my knees, but I choose not to yield that final inch. I mourn but am triumphant. I am confused but see with a new found clarity. I know the pain of loss, but know better the true generosity of love. And no matter the cause or the effect, choose not to focus on the madness of the world, but wish to always remain a dancer to my chosen drummer. Death is the great equalizer, and it is because of this that I am who I am in public and in private now. It lets us know that we have work to do before we go, and to do this work in love--unapologetically and consistently.

I am choosing to listen and love with everything I am and I have. To make a difference when and where I can. To not deviate one inch from my soul's greatest purpose--to be present in this life for as long as I draw breath that sustains me. And while days will come that will find me in shelter, I have decided to remain, and put down the jagged bricks of the past for better ones. However, these new bricks will not build again the wall that once was. They will reinforce my destiny and remind me to be stronger at the broken places during the tomorrows to come. To be present and know, that while anything can happen to stunt our progress and enthusiasm, bigger possibilities abound when we focus on the impossible becoming possible. It is here, that true blessings transpire unbeknownst to us all. It is here, that we are rewarded for bending with the storms.